8:15 p.m. - Lesson Learned: Before going on a speed date, take a few shots of Jack -- say five or so. This will help wash down what remains of your pride, assuming you have any of it left at all. This should, in theory, make hailing your taxi to Desperateville a whole lot easier.
8:35 p.m. - Lesson Learned: There are really hot girls at speed dating events. Unfortunately, they’re only there to take roll and intermittently bark out ill-conceived adages of encouragement, pretty much reducing your dating experience to a ninth grade gym class, minus the awkward erections and same sex showers. But the night is young.
9:03 p.m. - Try This At Home: 1) Find a wall, preferably fashioned out of red clay blocks and mortar, and talk to it for eight minutes. 2) Decide if you might like to meet up again for pleasure, friendship, or, perhaps, even business purposes. 3) Thank Matt for having helped you experience the joy of Speed Dating in the comfort of your own home.
9:33 p.m. - Try This at Home: Find an individual with a severely lazy eye (if you have trouble, check New Jersey). Sit facing them for eight full minutes. Now imagine that you have just paid actual cash for the pleasure of this experience. Thank Matt once again.
9:40 p.m. - Speed Dating Rule: The sound of a bell signifies the end of your current date. Simulating the sound of said bell with your mouth can prove difficult, to say the least, so just bring one along.
10:46 p.m. - I’m Pretty Sure: Y2K spared PCs, only to make women absolutely, positively bat-shit crazy.
12:30 a.m. - Speed Dating Rule: If you go to a Speed Dating event and find no matches, you get a free pass to…another Speed Dating event! I assume this is how they keep alcoholic pricks like me from ever attending again. If they gave us something
half-decent for pissing off the whole group while getting our load on, we’d probably just keep on coming back.
12:42 a.m. - Lesson Learned: Taking a cab home from Old City alone will sometimes cost you your very last 12 bucks. Restoring your dignity, however, pretty much makes it worth every penny.
Hey, eager singles! Or as I prefer to call you, pillow-spooning emotional cripples. What are you doing home alone tonight? Surprise surprise -- absolutely nothing. Why, no, I don’t have the slightest bit of pity for your pathetic, lonely asses, but I do have an assured piss-poor solution for what ails you. So get off the couch, scrounge up 35 bucks, TiVo “Lost” and catch a cab, because we’re goin’ speed dating, losers.
That’s right, you’re now not only in the same league as “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” you’re making league minimum to bat clean up for him. The good news is that traditional hallmarks of the pre-date grooming process, such as showering and doing your best to hide how ugly you are, have henceforth become strictly extra credit. After all, these people just so happen to be the same breed of dreary, desperate loser that you are. But probably just not as horny.
So sit up straight, kiddos -- good posture is sexy -- and get ready for eight times whatever the opposite of fun is, because you’re going on not uno, not dos, but ocho horrifically painful dates, in one altogether nightmarish evening!
Luckily for you, I’m going to be nice and give it a go first. So put some pants on, sit back, read and learn, because you’re up next, gutless wonders.
