1963. 11/22 John F. Kennedy assassinated.

What did Jackie say when Kennedy fell over? I don't care who you are. Get your bloody head off my dress.*

What's the new game in the White House? Jack in the box.* [This one was also told about Jackie Kennedy's pregnancy.]

1965. 11/10 New York City blackout.

1975. 9/6 Assassination attempt by Lynette Fromme on Gerald Ford.

9/23 Assassination attempt by Sarah Jane Moore on Gerald Ford.

1978. 11/18 Jonestown, Guyana‹Jim Jones persuaded 912 followers of his People's Temple to commit suicide by drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid after Congressman Leo Ryan and others were murdered when they came to investigate the cult. (This could be the original instance of product tampering.)

Why weren't there jokes about Jonestown?
The punch lines were too long. [spring, 1980, B]

11/28 [San Francisco Mayor] George Moscone and [City Supervisor] Harvey Milk murdered by [Supervisor] Dan White in San Francisco.

12/23 John Wayne Gacy arrested for murders of about twenty-five young men, whose bodies were found buried under his house.

What's the temperature at Gacy's house? Twenty-eight below.*

1979. 3/28 Three Mile Island.

Did you hear they're dumping radiated water into the river so we can all go nuclear fission?**

We're a nuclear family‹we live near Three Mile Island. **

What's the five-day forecast for Harrisburg?
Two days, with temperatures to reach three thousand degrees.**

11/5 Iranian students took more than fifty Americans hostage in the American embassy in Tehran. Held for four hundred forty days. Released 20 January 1981.

Jimmy Carter called the Ayatollah Khomeini and told him that if he didn't release the hostages we were going to have to kill eight more Americans. [spring 1980, B]

There's good news and bad news. The good news is that Jane Fonda has offered to exchange herself for the hostages, and the ayatollah has accepted. The bad news is that Teddy Kennedy has offered to drive her to the airport and he has to cross seven bridges on the way [spring 1980, B]

1980. 5/18 Mount Saint Helens erupted.

Why visit Washington? Wait a bit and it will visit you.

6/9 Richard Pryor severely burned while free-basing cocaine.

What's this [waving lighted match through the air]? Richard Pryor running down the street. *

11/22 MGM Grand Hotel fire [in Las Vegas] more than eighty killed.

12/8 John Lennon killed.

What's yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono.

1981. Spring Intense media coverage of Atlanta killings.

Did you hear they arrested the Atlanta killer?
It was an alligator dressed like a watermelon.
Who was it‹Son of Sambo?
He was three coons over his limit. [all spring, B]

The blacks were upset because there weren't any black winners in McDonald's "Build a Big Mac" contest, so McDonald's agreed to hold a special contest just for blacks. First prize is a free trip to Atlanta for two, and you can take your kids along. [spring, B]

Did you hear about the black woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do, so she sent them to Atlanta. [5/24, V]

Do you know how to get rid of your unwanted kids? Spray-paint them black and send them to Atlanta. [5/24, V]

Do you know what's black and getting whiter? Atlanta.* [UT]

3/31 Attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan.

Do you know what Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable is? James Brady. [spring 1981, B]

5/2 Billie Jean King admitted having had a lesbian relationship.

Did you know that Billie Jean King quit playing tennis? She's licked all her opponents. [5/24, V]

Billie Jean King has a new sponsor‹Snap-On-Tools. [5/24, V]

What has yellow balls and eats pussy? Billie Jean King. [June]

You know why they won't let Billie Jean King play tennis in Holland anymore? They caught her with her finger in a dyke. [June, B] [This pun was a punchline waiting for a joke.]

5/13 Assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II.

May Toxic Shock Syndrome

Do you know how to tell when a Polish woman is having her period? She's only wearing one bobby sock. [B]

Did you hear about the deadly new disease that's going around in Poland? It's called Toxic Sock Syndrome. [August, A]

6/22 Wayne Williams arrested for Atlanta killings.

11/29 [Actress] Natalie Wood died [by drowning].

What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie. [B]

Did you hear that Natalie Wood didn't like to bathe? She preferred to wash ashore.

1982. February Love Canal [discovery of toxic chemicals in soil in New York community]

3/5 John Belushi died. [See Appendix B.]

7/23 Actor Vic Morrow and two children killed in explosion/helicopter crash during filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie.

Do you know what this is? [Teller holds folded dollar bill up to ear of listener and flicks it with finger.] The last sound heard by Vic Morrow. [M]

9/14 Princess Grace of Monaco had a stroke while driving, had a wreck, and was killed.

Did you hear the new national anthem of Monaco? [Sung:] "She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes." [M]

Did you hear about Princess Grace on the radio? And on the steering wheel, and on the dashboard. . . [M]

October Extra-Strength Tylenol poisonings in Chicago.

December Times Beach, Missouri[discovery of toxic chemicals in soil]

1983. 9/1 Korean Airlines flight 007 shot down by Soviets.

9/18 Vanessa Williams became the first black Miss America.

Did you hear they found the black box from Korean Airlines flight 007? Miss America had it all along. [M]

10/23 Marine barracks in Beirut bombed, ca. 250 killed.

10/25 Invasion of Grenada.

1984. January? Arrest of Larry Eyler for murders of approximately twenty gay men between Indianapolis and Chicago.

Winter-Spring First AIDS media blitz. [See Appendix B.]

1/27 Michael Jackson burned while filming Pepsi commercial.

Did you hear that Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson have gotten together to start a new scholarship fund? It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund. [M]

April Tampering with Girl Scout cookies.

Summer-Spring Intense media coverage of Ethiopian famine.

What do you call an Ethiopian with sesame seeds in his hair? A quarterpounder. [refers to McDonald's restaurant's specialty hamburger served on a sesame-seed bun] [summer, M]

What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? A vegetarian. [summer, M]

What do you call an Ethiopian with two dogs? A farmer. [summer, M]

You know, all that starvation in Ethiopia is all our fault. We taught them how to pick but we never taught them how to plant. [8/19, P]

How many Ethiopians can you get into a phone booth? All of them.+

What do you call an Ethiopian with two dogs? A caterer.+

What's 12-8- 12? The measurements of Miss Ethiopia.+

Why don't Ethiopians shower? They fall through the drain holes.* [LL]

What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe? A nine iron.* [HT]

What's this [pulling out skin on both sides of neck]? An Ethiopian with a grain of rice stuck in the throat.*

Do you know what Ethiopians use venetian blinds for? Bunk beds.* [HT]

7/19 More than twenty killed in "McDonald's Massacre," San Ysidro, California.

7/24 Vanessa Williams dethroned after pictures of her posing nude with another woman appeared in Penthouse magazine.

Did you hear that they had created a line of tennis shoes named after Vanessa Williams? They're called Dikes, but they had to call them all back before any were sold. The tongues were too short. [pun on Nikes-brand athletic shoes] [August, M]

Did you hear about the Vanessa Williams commemorative stamp? It's just like any other stamp except you lick both sides. [August, M]

Did you hear that Vanessa Williams died? They found her floating facedown on Veronica Lake. [August, M]

12/3 Toxic gas leak at Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killed about 1,200 and injured thousands more.

1985. 7/26 Rock Hudson revealed he had AIDS. [See Appendix B.]

June Pan Am flight hijacked to Beirut, held there for more than two weeks. One killed.

9/19 Earthquake in Mexico City.
10/2 Rock Hudson died. [See Appendix B.]

10/7 Achille Lauro hijacked in Mediterranean; Leon Klinghoffer killed and thrown overboard.

Did you hear about the new drink? It's called a Leon Klinghoffer‹two shots and a splash. [spring 1986, M]

Why didn't Leon Klinghoffer take a shower on the Achille Lauro? He thought he'd wash ashore. [Beck.]

Do you know what PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization] stands for? Push Leon Overboard. [6/26/86, M; also reported in‹and probably picked up from‹Beck's column on 5/19]

12/12 Crash of airplane carrying American soldiers in Gander, Newfoundland; ca. 250 killed.

12/28 Bombing of Rome and Vienna airports.

1986 1/28 Space shuttle Challenger exploded on lift-off

Do you know what NASA stands for? Need Another Seven Astronauts. [2/19, M]

Do you know where the astronauts spent their vacation? All over Florida. [2/22, M]

NASA switched to Sprite. They couldn't get 7-Up. [Sprite and 7-up are soft drinks.] [3/25, M]

They found out that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff. Her Head and Shoulders [a brand of shampoo] washed up on the beach. [3/25, M]

They found out Chnsta McAuliffe didn't like to take a bath. She preferred to wash up on shore. [3/25, M]

Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes. One blew east and one blew west. [3/25, M]

What were the last words they found on the little black box? "Lady, don't touch that butt . . . ." [3/25, M]

They fired Christa McAuliffe. She got so upset she went back and blew up in front of her class. [3/25, M]

Do you know what NASA, Tupperware [plastic storage containers], and a walrus have in common? They're all looking for a tight seal. [5/7, M]

Do you know how many astronauts can fit in a Volkswagen? Eleven: Two in the front, two in the back, and seven in the ashtray * [HT]

What was the last thing to go through Christa McAuliffe's mind? Sheet metal.*

Did you hear about Christa McAuliffe's super vacation? She went all over Florida in a flash.*

Why was there only one nigger on the shuttle? They didn't know it was going to blow up.* [BR]

What were the last words heard on the shuttle? "No, Bud Light!"* [HT]

Do you know what the hip redfish are eating these days? Blackened astronauts. ["Blackening" was a popular cooking technique at the time.]*

Do you know when they are sending the next shuttle up? July 4th, at night.* [BR]

Did you hear that NASA thought they had found a part of the black astronaut's body? But it was only a radiator hose from a '57 Chevy.* [BR]

You know Christa McAuliffe was a social studies teacher, but she's history now. [12/3/86, M]

2/6 Jean-Claude Duvalier exiled from Haiti.

2/10 Tylenol poisoning, Peekskill, New York.

2/12 (February 12) Glass in Gerber's baby food reported nationwide.

3/7 Philippine elections.

3/26 Marcoses' [Former Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos and his wife Imelda] exile.

What is Imelda's favorite industry? Mining: "That's mine, that's mine . . . ." [Newsweek, March 24]

Reagan, Gorbachev, and Marcos are in a plane that is about to crash, and there is only one parachute. Marcos says, "I think we should vote on it, and let me have it." [3/26, M]

4/5 Austrian elections.

Have you heard about that new medical problem called "Waldheimer's disease"? It's when you get so old you can't remember whether you were a Nazi. [5/19, Beck]

4/15 Attack on Libya.

Why was Moammar Khadafy angry at his children? Because they came home bombed one night. [5/19, Beck]

Do you know why the new Libyan navy will have lots of submarines? To try to find the old Libyan navy.* [BR]

4/26 Chernobyl [nuclear reactor leak in Ukraine] (not reported in media until April 28).

What goes with Chicken Kiev? Black Russians. [5/19, Beck]

What has feathers and glows in the dark? Chicken Kiev. [5/19, Beck]

Have you heard the weather forecast for Kiev? A high of nine thousand degrees and cloudy. [5/19, Beck]

A Russian was coming to bed when his wife asked him to turn out the light. He said that he already had.* [LL]

Did you hear about the new generation of Swedes? They have blue hair and blonde eyes.*

Did you hear the seven-day forecast for Kiev? Three days.*

Did you hear the forecast for Chernobyl? Cloudy with a high of five hundred degrees.*

Did you hear about the exchange students in Kiev? They all returned with glowing report cards.*

Did you hear that the recipe books are going to have to be revised to include burnt chicken as a basic ingredient for Chicken Kiev?* [5]

6/19 [Boston Celtics basketball player] Len Bias died.

You know the Celtics don't discriminate anymore? They have no Bias. [6/28, M]

What did Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common'? They both got into some bad crack.* [also M, SB]

What do Len Bias and flowers have in common? They both die a few days after you pick them.* [also SB]

6/20 Postal worker in Edmond, Oklahoma, killed about fifteen of his coworkers and then committed suicide.

6/21 Lake Nyos, Cameroon‹poison cloud descended and killed seventeen hundred people.

6/30 Cessna and Aero Mexico flight 498 collided above Cerritos, California, noon PDT, killing about ninety people, including twenty on the ground.

9/1 Man in Camden, New Jersey, was not feeling well; he died after his mother fed him cyanide-contaminated Lipton's chicken soup.

9/5 Karachi hijacking, between fjfteen and twenty dead.

10/5 Crash of plane carrying supplies to the Contras in Nicaragua; two killed. Only survivor, Eugene Hasenfuss (German for rabbit's foot), was sentenced to thirty years in prison for his activities.

10/10 San Salvador earthquake‹more than one thousand dead and ten thousand injured.

10/15? Dan Rather mugged in New York City.

"'Not to be outdone,' joked Johnny Carson, 'NBC is arranging to have Roger Mudd pistol-whipped in Central Park.'" [Courage, Dan, 1986: 87]

11/16? It was revealed that the U.S. had been selling arms to Iran through Israel; government claimed this was an attempt to improve relations with Iraq, others that it was an attempt to free Americans being held hostage in Lebanon.

11/21 Eruption of Mt. Mihara in Oshima. Japan; evacuation of city.

11/25 Government revealed that money from sale of arms to Iran went to Swiss bank accounts held by the Contras. Government claimed this was done without the administration's knowledge. National security adviser Vice Adm. John Poindexter resigned and White House aide Lt. Col. Oliver North, who reportedly masterminded and carried out the plan, was fired.

11/27ff Eruption of Mt. Kilauea in Hawaii.

11/29 [Actor] Cary Grant died.

Do you know what Cary Grant had that Natalie Wood didn't have? A good stroke. [12/2, M]

12/2 [Actor/Band Leader] Desi Arnaz died.

Newfolk :: Resources :: Library

Page 1 :: Appendix A :: Appendix B :: Update 2001